This is yet another rant about my frustration with not being able to connect to God.

I know its my fault, i really do.

Last time i actually managed to go to service, was a real turning point.

We were said to come to the altar only if you really were able to and wanted to give our whole lives to God.

Two years ago, i would have RAN to that altar.

That night, i couldn’t even take more than two steps before i bawled my eyes out realised i couldn’t go any further.

That hit hard. Its been almost one year, and yet im still struggling, i have nothing stable.

And the last few weeks has been a real challenge. Nothing seems to have gone right for me.

and yet. God is not the one i turn to, i’m turning to all these filthy, temporal things of the world.

God didn’t make me to take on all those wordly things, no. I deserve so much better as a child of God.

Yet, why arn’t i turning to God? Why arn’t i spending enough if not any time with Him.

He loves me so, and yet i can’t comprehend that love.

Why.

e want

i was recently reading a topic on a forum that i usually go it. It was about people sharing their experience in regards to sexual molestation, rape, sexual abuse and stuff, it was kinda like ..if you need to let it out, let it out in this forum if u cant tell or havent told anybody else.

 And it was just sad reading all those many pages about people most of the time being super young being sexually abused/molestered/raped.

And ironically…I started remembering all these types of images from when i was younger. I remembered…being used to do sexual favours when i was very young(3 maybe? 4? 5?)..Like…I dunno. Its just..so strange.

 I remembered going over to my dad’s friends place i think..and i hung around 2 teenagers(i dont remember any other kids, the adults probably made them look after me)

and…I rememeber at one point i was in the toilet and a boy took me. and after i did my business, I remember the boy made me sit on his lap with my pants down. .

 and then i remember going back upstairs with that boy. into a room. and there was another girl. Oddly enough i remember their faces almost. And i remember the girl made me play mommy and baby. and i was the baby..and she made me…well….suck…oh my gosh..as if i was a baby…

 and then i remember..the boy made me his on his lap again..this time with my pants on and his pants down/off…and….

im not too sure after that..most of the stuff is a blurr.

 The thing is..i dunno if im tripping over this or not.

 Because i also remember dreaming about it again when i was younger….alot older than i was then..but still young enough not to know what had happened there was wrong.

Its really confusing me..because i also remember bringing a book home from that place..i think there was a party going on….and I remember i had the book for ages untill my parents threw it out when we moved up to qld.

gosh. I dont know what im feeling now.

 i mean..if it wasnt real..why would a kid be dreaming that kinda stuff? It doesnt make any sense.and how can i remmeber everything almost so perfectly and so vivid. and yet..i dont remember it untill now..

I really dont know anymore.

 and it just makes me think..how sad for young kids to go thru that stuff. Thats why they’re so vunerable..because they simply dont know that those things that are being done to them is wrong.

gosh. im so. … i dont know how im feeling atm.

What should i do?

hmm..when was the last time i blogged..

ah! thursday. okay me update you!

Friday – I spent most of my day cleaning up my room (i swear..i dunno why i bother..two hours after i clean it, it looks as bad as before i started cleaning..haha) & then Anne drove me to church! Wohh..i was a tad afraid. HAHAHA. NAh shes not a bad driving..does speed a little more than i barganed for but..Other than that shes not bad

Service was awesome, but I realised how awkward i kinda felt during fellowship/eatin/snacking was before church, as I usually ended up missing it everyweek. haha oh well! it wasn’t too bad

I realised that when i was really struggling, i really struggled during p & w. I couldn’t quite keep my focus on God..

But things were so much more different this time round, it was just…amazing. hehe No words can describe.

Ngaw..it also happened to be sam’s last church service before she left to japan. aweeeeeee. haha. So i joined her, garryn, andrew, zhihang & shaun for dinner at malaya corner. After that we headed of to mt gravatt look out. haha. for once i didnt see….people doing yucky stuff in their cars *cringes*. Anyway..we spent most of our time there playing on the swings and trying to scare each other. I was so freaked out by the end of it. So was Zhihang, and Sam..and possibly andrew. bwahaha.

& we all managed to cramp up in Garryn’s car after it got a tad cold. the whole car was steaming up. HAHAHA.

After that we parted ways because it was like..2am. HAHAHA.

Then we headed off griffith uni to drive thru the cemetary. We didnt go thru in the end, because we were afraid that the gates would close in on us. HAHA. But then Garryn told us some interesting stories about griffith. and then we past the childcare area..Me and Sam were holding hands by the end of hte drive. hahaha. Soo scarreedd!

I got home i kinda got freaked, i started praying crazily as soon as i got home. In the end i wasnt so freaked! yay!

Sat – woke up at 6ish to get ready for the st patrick’s parade. Gahh..mum was panicking the whole time afraid that we would be late. lol she was like that the whole way there. The parade overall wasn’t too bad. Except for the rain during the parade (i was wearing heavy heavy clothing) & the extreme heat after. & the soreness of my feet. hah

After that i headed off to Sam’s farewell n birthday surprise..except i came..AFTER the surprise. haha. It was fun..awee im guna miss her!! & after paul dropped me home to get ready..i thought he’d take about an hour to vote..i was wrong..took him half hte time. HAHAHA so i was still..half ready. then headed off to sunnybank for drinks. I got this sour plum one..omg…it was soo strange. lol

and then paul and i headed off to our 4 hour rehersal. Gosh I was soo physically exhaused by the time we had dance, i needed to take heaps of time outs. I felt so bad. Oh well at least by the end of it, I pretty much had the dance. haha Which is good. just need to practice, practice etc. LOL couldnt be bothered writing the last one.

Afterwards paul and I went for maccas. Im surprised..we spent almost 2 hours just eating and talking, haha it was sweet. then headed off to the city as i heard that sisqo’s dancers were performing. I either must of came too late, cuz i didnt see any Oh well. My night wasn’t too bad. had fun. Got home i pretty much fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Sunday – woke up and worked. lol. After that just chilled out.

Monday – slept in till 1 or 2..still so exhaused from the weekend. Did nothing.

Today – simular to monday except i didnt wake up so late. and krispy called up about my resume. -.-” i STILL dont know if i have the job yet. MAAn. and on thursday i have an interview with supanews. For the underwood store :S I seriously dont thik i can make it to the underwood one..no way of me getting there! I just hope i dont get the job

 tomorrow. i have to work 2-5. good hours really..jsut that i cant do anything during the day.

thurs. interview at 10. and probably hanging out with brett before dance. and dance rehersal.

friday. oc opening ceremony!

sat. working -.-”

sun. working -.-”

i was guna add this to my previous post but i think it was just geting too long. lol

Gosh..i as reading the newspaper..and I see my friend Ryan in it.

Hes now serving 2 years jail (but can be repremanded if thats the word after 8 months).

He had stabbed his neighbour. He had a party (obviously was still drink) going to punch the person, had a unopen blade to make a larger fist but the blade had opened and stabbed the person.

This happened in March 2006. and hes going to jail now.

Gosh. I only saw this guy on the weekend.

I really thank God for protecting me. I have alot of friends who..have been on teh wrong side of the law, I’m jsut so glad im not following in those paths. So So glad.

–

a few hours later..

mannn..i got woken up! by supanews for an interview at underwood? i sure hope i didnt get thru. haha They had conducted an interview and i was totally still asleep. HAHAH//awe should i go back 2 bed? lol

zZzz

Went for my interview today lor. for…KRISPY KREMES! haha.

 Was so nervous at first, but so randomly i found my friend tiffany. and then met a nice bloke called Matt. and then found a really old high school friend of mine Jeremy. So..that was pretty sweet!

 We watched a presentation about how the company 1st starteedd. and then we filled our application forms. And we split into 3 groups. But my group ended up being last, so we spent most of the time just sitting..and waiting..hah. I wanted to go home so badly. haha.

Then FINALLY it was our go, after a loooong wait. We had to play a memory game, and we also had to”sell” ourselves..and played that silly game where you grab random people’s hands and have to untwist..haha. and then we waited to see who got thru to the one on one interviews.

 My lil friend Matt, unfortunately didnt make it (actually..he was soo tall..not little at all! haha)

And so we waited AGAIN for the loooongest time. During the last half an hour i realised that they were doing the boys first and then the girls. GOSH..talk about letting us wait

Finally i was the last few girls to be interviewed. haha. I was so lucky i had Sara interview me. She totally reminded me of myself..and i could relate to her. Both from nsw, both worked at the deli at bilo/coles, both love krispy kremes. She was totally awesome, when there was things i jsut couldn’t seem to have the right words..she managed to get it outta me. So im pretty sure she wanted me to get the job. haha. But yeah, She kept on saying how bright and bubbly i was. LOL (I was being more bubbly than usual. haha. more like kissing their butt! )

So yeah. im 90% sure i have the job. yay! too bad we dont start till like..end of april ..man i need moneeey. lol

hopefully its paid training. haha. I know where the 1st store is guna beeeee. haha. the EXACT location!

But yeah, Praise GOD! I knew that if it wasn’t for him..i Wouldnt be as bright and bubbly (or so they said) as i am now..i would have be totally shy and quiet (i got turned out for soo many jobs because of that:P) so yeah! Lets just hope I do get this job though!

..

oh! i had pho for dinner today. :O sooo good. haha. And spent time with tiffany. I love that girl, she really teaches me so many things about myself.

–

on a much random note. Does anyone else have those random moods where you just suddenly become depressed..and 5-10 mins later you’re completely fine and still dont understand why you were depressed in teh first place? lol

OH! and i finally have my appetite back. unfortunately its at the worst times. I need to learn to eat properly. Im stuffing up my body

- couldnt be bothered re-typing it

S y l v s.HAS HER NUMBER BACK BUT i need numbers again – www.myspace.com/grooveqld »_`mz.sylviiah.x3・B・､・ｵ・ﾄ・・wo… says: man my fridge is soo random la

S y l v s.HAS HER NUMBER BACK BUT i need numbers again – www.myspace.com/grooveqld »_`mz.sylviiah.x3・B・､・ｵ・ﾄ・・wo… says: there was my brother’s bottle of apple blackcurrently drink..so ihad some of that..but..it tasted liek flat pepsi

S y l v s.HAS HER NUMBER BACK BUT i need numbers again – www.myspace.com/grooveqld »_`mz.sylviiah.x3・B・､・ｵ・ﾄ・・wo… says: and then there was a open can of pepsi in the fridge..but in the can of pepsi was just cold water.

During that last post, i sent a msg to my bf saying that i thought it was best that i needed a break.

And yep. He seemed upset. It hurts me to have done it, I realised God has placed him in my life during this period to protect me from entering any unhealthy relationships that could have possibly happened. But..Have I done the right thing?

Its not like im looking for another relationship, not at all. I just want to be able to focus more on God. Or was this an excuse to get rid of a relationship that was dieing down. Im so confused.

Either way, it hurts. I hate to have cry over things that seems so little I guess. haha. My brother is going atm “dont cry! dont worry its just a sad story” Gosh. Hes my little angel at times.

Lord, I think i’ve done the right thing. Or have i not done the right thing?

Or is this one layer that I need to have removed in order to be closer to you?

–

Gee. I guess you really dont know what you miss untill you lose it.. Apparently hes started seeing someone already. Wow. Is that meant to be a wake up call for me?

– edit.

Feeling much better. Had quiet time with God again.

He let me know, do you see how temporary this “love” was? My love is not like that.

For ages I’ve prayed that I’d figure out Gods love in my heart, and not jus tmy head.

 This is one step closer to that. I love God, and God loves me much more than I can give.

Now I’m excited for What God CAN bring. Lord Thank you for my situation!

–

Wow. how many times have i updated this? LOL

Well I called up Ves, and just explained everything. It was a misunderstanding thats why he was upset.

But, i found it so amazing. He understood the reason why, and even more so. He encouraged me to really grow in God, shared to me what God has taught him & even told me a few encouraging verses. Praise God! He gave me someone who was able to understand what I was going thru and what I needed to do.

Thank you God. =]

hahaha. Im sure everybody has passed the stage of bloggin. for some reason the idea of blogging everyday didnt appeal to me. but im going to try my best now. and the real reason why i hadnt bothered posting is because I didnt know how to change my password into something I know. haha

and now. since im really going to push  myself in order to really come back to God, Im going use this as a way to keep my thoughts in tact, and for the rest of you to see how i go.

 I had a terrible weekend, I lost my phone! yes i lost my phone and my beloved pig hanging off the phone. oh well.

need to grab all those numbers again. =]

so whoever reads this, pls email me ur number on sylvs.chiuhua.almeida@gmail.com OR on msn.

I had a real quiet time with God today, something i’ve realised i have neglected to do for a while.

I decided to choose a random song in my playlist, and With all I am happened to be playing.

Sitting there, just really talking to God. Just wow, it was just so much more amazing that just sitting and thinking by myself..which is what i’ve been doing recently. I realised how empty it feels to not have God really involved in my life.

Sitting and thinking by myself about my situations. thats how i coped with all these “problems”. Problems of not having a sufficient job which gives me a sufficient amount of hours, problems with certain relationships with people, stress of having to organise a large dance comp, not having enough money at times to do things freely (and plenty of others ), and my struggle to have God put forward in my life. And yet, out of all these many problems..I put MY struggle with my spiritual journey as the last thing in my mind to deal with. not the 1st. I think that really showed me how far I went away.

 As I was listening, I remembered something i heard fairly recently at church or read somewhere in a book. I dont quite remember haha. Embrace your troubles.

 All this time, I wasn’t thanking God for my troubles. I was simply trying to get thru it all by myself. God KNOWS that ive been struggling, and yet I havent been using any of these so called problem as a way to turn to God.

None. I feel so ashamed. This whole time God has been placing all these situations at me in order for me to come back, and all i’ve done is try and deal with them by myself. As I said. I feel extremely ashamed.

 I’ve put too many layers around me, Lord I give you my all. Please remove these layers from me.

`ello ello!

Hey guys! I know i said that i would be a rebel and make a blogdrive blog..but once again i had conformed into creating a blog with wordpress!

ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!

Finally 17. gosh. i feel so young. hahaha.

Since i got lazy doing my v-logs i have merged the two together!~ so sometimes i’ll do the vlog..and other i’ll just type..it will depend on my mood..

MAN ABLAZE CAMP WAS AWESOMEEE!

Its really different from last year and stuff….

ANYWAY I’LL GO ON ABOUT IT LATER!

I just wanted to fill teh space in my page. will continue aboute verything else later!! LALA!

<3 Mz.SYLVIIAHH!!!

ps. liekt eh layout? i did it myself! =D